Fuck You, Broccoli

An in-depth exploration of vegetables and other so-called healthy foods.

Anonymous asked: Dear farmers, grocers, restauranteurs, etc: Honeydew is just unripe cantaloupe. It's the celery of the fruit world. Stop holding out on us and give us more fucking strawberries.

Yeah, more like Honeydon’t, AMIRITE?

Then again, if you’ve ever tasted a really good honeydew melon - and they do exist (though you have to get yourself invited to a brunch at Kennebunkport or a really high-end bat mitzvah or something) - you realize that real honeydew melon is actually fucking amazing, and 99%* of the rest of them are just watered-down crap, and then you stop being blasé about being served bad fruit, and instead get militantly angry. Fuck the fruitiers! To the ramparts! Let us not stop till the last transgressor lays rotting in its rind!

Or you just stick to cantaloupe. Whatever.

I will be blogging more sporadically until end of summer. It’s just too hot to hate effectively.

* see what I did there?

A brief word on Shiitake mushrooms

Oh, Shiitake mushrooms. What can I say about a fungus whose name comes from the word for excrement combined with the word for bodily discomfort?

Not much.

1/10. Just the thought of you gives me the shit-aches.

image via wikipedia

Capers. Satan’s little BB’s

The following is a true story:

Picture a strapping young man, fresh out of college, sent to the store with his nubile young girlfriend to pick up a number of last-minute items for some family dinner (what the hell, let’s call it Thanksgiving - one of those fancy meals where the cook shows off and no one cares because they’re so sick of being with family already and all anyone really wants to do is watch the Longhorns beat the Aggies or hunker down in the john and have a really satisfying bowel movement or anything else that doesn’t involve eating foods cooked with capers. You get the idea). So anyway, somewhere on the shopping list is the word “Capers.”  Which, okay, both the guy and the girl have seen before on restaurant plates, but neither one knows what they are. Some sort of shellfish? A condiment? A savory ice cream novelty? 

Well, since the girl didn’t want to admit that she had no idea at all where to look, and the guy wouldn’t ask directions to a water fountain if his dick was on fire, let alone how to navigate a grocery aisle, the adorable pair had no choice but to wander the aisles looking everywhere for a (bag? box? maybe you scape them out of a gourd? how the fuck should I know?) of the thing. After literally 45 minutes of combing every aisle, the girl finally asked a clerk. Who went to three entirely different places before finding them above the pickles. Apparently, they are pickled caper berries, which a) who the fuck knew and b) what the fuck is a caper berry and seriously? Seriously?  Anyhow, because of that whole long ridiculous wander the young couple had the chance to really get to know each other in those cute and hilarious ways you often see in rom-com montages, leading to the guy asking the girl to marry him and long story short, they got divorced.

So, yeah, capers?  Pointless.  Also you taste like a squeaky band-aid and leave an oily stench in the mouth which can only be taken away with massive quantities of tequila. Much like most marriages.

But I’m not bitter.

3/10. I can eat around you.

image via Tesco

Anonymous asked: Fact: red leaf lettuce is actually brown leaf lettuce that hasn't left the store. The fluorescent lights and fake thunderstorms are part of an intricate system to maintain the red leaves in suspended animation.

Wow - that makes perfect sense.

It also means that for colorblind people (and regular-blind people), all lettuce sucks the same.

Shallots: Onion’s sexy little sisters

Oh, shallots, you babies are the exception that proves the rule. Little interlocking layers of heaven. All the good things that onions do, plus you’re smaller, only come in one color and you don’t make me cry. And no one even attempts to serve you raw. I would seriously have hot steamy sexual relations with a shallot if you only had a more conducive shape. But you don’t.

Dammit, shallots.  We came so close.

8/10. 9 when fried on top of a burger. Ohhhhhhh yeah.

image via Evan-Amos at wikipedia

Hearts of Palm, a.k.a. Little Zombie Celery Floating in Goo

Yeah, that pretty much sums you up.

I don’t get you at all. Are you the heart of a palm tree? A palm leaf? A palmetto bug? Because I’ve seen all three and I never saw anyone gnawing on any of them. Except for termites, or maybe the occasional beaver on vacation. I’ve been to all sorts of produceries over the course of my life, and I’ve never even seen you outside of your natural canned state, which leads me to believe you actually grow in the wild inside little naturally-occurring sealed mason jars, just waiting for someone gullible to pick you up and stick you in the pantry for 8-10 years to mature (I dunno, maybe the extra layer of dust around the lid adds flavor?).

And what is that cloudy liquid you’re bathing in, anyhow? Spit of Palm? Blood of Palm? Pee of Palm? That would make sense, since you’re always (heh) in the can (rimshot!)  All’s I know is, pas de Palm for me. That’s French for I’ll pass.

4/10, so long as you stay in the jar.

image via John Vena Produce

Eggplant: What fresh hell is this?

Eggplants, you are the swollen, uncomfortable conflagration of a squash and a distended placenta.  The color of a fresh bruise (or a festering bedsore) on the outside and of hardened smegma on the inside, you manage to be simultaneously slimy and mushy, no mean feat. For me, it’s your overall squashyness that sets my teeth on edge with every bite. Like biting into an apple but finding a larval worm, only instead of an apple, it’s something really good like lasagna, and instead of a worm it’s something really not good, like a human eye. And your taste — bitter as a mouthful of antifreeze, with the added aftertaste of aged cheese vomit.

What’s worse, everything bad I have ever said about other vegetables applies to you: You’re lousy raw but inedible cooked. You start to decay as soon as you’re opened and your inner color runs to all the various shades of snot. They don’t even mush you into baby food - and they mush every vegetable into baby food. That’s because babies know. You are rancid and evil and do not belong on a plate. Unless it is on fire being thrown from someplace high into someplace pointy. And even then I feel bad for the pointy things.

0/10.  I feel gross just writing about you. If you need me, I’ll be in the shower crying like Silkwood for a couple hours just to wash off the ick.

image via Horst Frank/wikipedia

Collard Greens - the definitive recipe

  • 1 bunch collard greens
  • 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 large eggs
  • 2 cups milk chocolate chips
  • 1 beer

Preheat oven to 375° F.

Combine flour, baking soda and salt in a small bowl. In a separate mixing bowl, mix butter, granulated sugar, vanilla extract and brown sugar until creamy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually add in flour mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. Throw collard greens into trash.

Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets and bake until golden brown. Drink beer while you wait.

0/10. Fuck collard greens.

image via wikipedia

Anonymous asked: What is the difference between all bad tasting spices? I give you props if you can answer. 😝

I think I need a few more parameters to answer this one. Which ones did you have in mind?

I will say I never saw the point of allspice or marjoram (I think I sat behind her in Mrs. Huber’s third grade math class? She ate paste). And dill is awesome for pickles, but pretty bleaurghy in everything else.

Water Chestnuts - Edible boredom

There are some adjectives I find myself throwing out here a lot, when it comes to the vegetables I don’t like, but also don’t find completely inedible.  Benign. Inoffensive. Lackluster. Tasteless. Bland. To name a few.

Mix all those descriptives together, then add lackluster and bland, pointless and stale, and ta-dah! We’ve got ourselves a water chestnut. You look like so many yummy things that taste-wise, leave you in the dust. Scallops. Gnocchi. Meringues. Chewable Vitamin C’s. Wet little globules of crispy spit that look like mush but require actual chewing, you are the kidney stones of the produce section:  Remarkably painful for something so small and natural, not passed easily, and too big to ignore. Sliced, you look like chicken, then bring the world to a screaming halt when you manage to be one of the only nonflavored things on the planet that - even when surrounded by actual chicken - doesn’t taste like chicken. You’re also the only food I can think of that looks, tastes, and feels identical cooked as raw. How is that even possible?

Are you even a real vegetable, or did someone just invent you in some lab back in the early 80’s while trying to discover new ways to make those gummi bracelets and shoes everyone was wearing, send you off to the cannery and we’ve fallen for it ever since?  I’ve never seen you except in a can. Are there amber waves of water chestnuts growing in some paddy or billabong or fjord that I’m just unaware of? Who grows you? And why?

3/10 since you don’t taste nasty, only bleah. I’ve already wasted way too many words on something so barely there.

image via onlyfoods.net

All proceeds will be spent directly on fine, upstanding products such as Tastykakes and beer, and will in no way contribute to the Vegetable Industrial Complex (with the possible exception of Big Corn).