Fuck off, radishes.
Yes, you. Every last fucking one of you. You taste like a late ‘70’s synthetic bicycle tire and smell like the color puce sounds. So of course, some marketing genius decided that if no one wanted to eat you for your own sake, why not disguise you as something people like? Yeah, that’ll fool everyone. So I know you think you’re cute and all, flailing around all akimbo...
Lima Beans, I hope you die in a hole.
Limas, you are the nadir of the already reprehensible legume family, and that’s saying a lot. Your vile phlegm-green pustules glisten on a dinner plate like so many glaucous boils on a witch’s ass, suppurating and ripe for popping. You taste like rotting earwigs and smell like Death itself. Worse yet, I suspect you were named for Lima Peru, a lovely scenic locale, pronounced...
Anonymous asked: Random question: I find that when I tear lettuce, I get a weird feeling in my mouth. I took a short informal survey and this happens to quite a few people. More proof that veggies are evil and unworthy of our love? I can say for sure, but I can tell you- I've never felt a weird feeling in my mouth tearing a cookie in half.
Anonymous asked: Mushrooms... slimy little penises that grow in shit. I'm just saying.
Anonymous asked: Carrot cake?
Anonymous asked: Have you heard the song Carrot Juice is Murder by the Arrogant Worms? This so totally should be your theme song.
Beets - Nature\'s Sharpie
I gotta hand it to you, beets. It takes a special kind of obnoxia to be a vegetable parents avoid giving to children because of your insanely bold color scheme. Hard to resist the appeal of a food that makes your kitchen look like a sweeps-week episode of CSI-Paris-Abattoir. Seriously. Google “beet stains.” The list stretches from “How to get beet stains out of clothing”...
Anonymous asked: Beets are disgusting. Why does anyone like them? I don't care if you roast them, roll them in truffle oil, etc. Vile. They have a metallic taste like you just licked the highway. After an accident. Where there was a fatality. And blood. Just saying.
Anonymous asked: Why does celery taste like dirt? *pukes*
Anonymous asked: Don't you just love that Michael Jackson song with the lyrics, "they hate you, you're a vegetable"?
Anonymous asked: You're racist against veggies. That's not very nice! :O
Anonymous asked: Why is it that potatoes of any type are great, but sweet potatoes made up as anything make me gag?
sixgrams asked: It took me all of twenty five seconds to fall in love with your rage against vegetables.
Cabbage: Looks like lettuce, tastes like ass.
I’m gonna keep this one short. No offense, cabbage, but NO ONE LIKES YOU. Bitter taste, wilty texture that’s vaguely reminiscent of shredded condoms, plus you smell like the maintenance area behind the toilets in a Chernobyl high school locker room. Just one person cooking you can level the property values in an entire apartment block for months. And dammit, eggrolls. Eggrolls...
Babycorns, I heart you to death
Aww, Babycorns. You’re so cuddly and adorable, like a wee baby hedgehog curled up in a muffin cup surrounded by teenie jelly beans. Knock-kneed and immature, barely out of your training husks… you’re the veal of the vegetable world, so wrong, but so, so right. I just want to stick a toothpick in either side of you and nibble away, making noises like the world’s tiniest...
Anonymous asked: OK, so then what is "Sex as a Weapon" about? And is there any chance that it actually involves combining the act of lovemaking with arugula?
Anonymous asked: (continued) actually about Nazis, that's just what happens in the video. My wife thinks we should both shut the fuck up. Who's right?
Anonymous asked: I'm hoping you have the expertise to resolve this debate I'm having with a friend of mine. I think the only way to safely eat broccoli or cauliflower is after first checking it with a nuclear microscope to make sure there aren't any microscopic insects (just the way our forefathers did) and that lettuce and kale should be soaked in acid for three days before eating, and that anyone...
Anonymous asked: What about sprouts? Health food sounds like it makes you healthy. How many people have gotten sick on sprouts? How is that a healthy food. Fried potatoes never gave someone salmonella.
Cauliflower, King of Crud (ite)
Look, Cauliflower, no offense, but didn’t you suck hard enough in your alternate life as broccoli? Now you’re adding in White Power? So uncool. Broccoli at least had one thing going for it - the cute resemblance to wee leetle trees. So you decide take that away and replace it with some sick albinoism, leaving you looking like a ghastly cross section of a human brain, but with the...
Artichokes - how is this even a food?
Look, Artie. Judging on style alone, you’re a ballsy motherfucker. Kudos for out-baroqueing asparagus while rivaling the prickly pear for sheer the fuck I’m supposed to eat thatedness. Extra points for somehow crossing all the parts of the pineapple that we don’t eat, while choosing its least palatable color as your baseline. If you could be even a shade woodsier, you would...
Spinach, Kale, and whatever the third one is, can...
This shouldn’t even have to be said in this day and age, but bitter dark green leafy vegetables? Really? Other than iron, what have spinach, kale, and that third one I can’t remember ever given anyone? Okay, a couple of points to you, spinach, for being what Popeye loveskk. But otherwise? You’re all bitter, too chewy, and hard to digest, and it takes just one tiny leaf left...
Carrots, please. Make up your fucking minds.
I don’t know what’s up you, carrots. It’s like you’ve got a split personality or something. On the one hand, raw carrots, you’re awesome. Crunchy, sweet, portable. What more can a person want in a snack that isn’t chocolate coated or deep-fried? I’m especially fond of wee baby carrots. Plucked screaming from the ground all adorably Keane-eyed and...
Take my Brussels Sprouts... please
Brussels Sprouts, you are the Comic Sans of the vegetable drawer. Everyone loves using you as an easy punch line for “that food everyone hates,” but the people who like you still keep on using you and seem perfectly happy about it, oblivious to your bad reputation. Clearly you serve some purpose, even if it’s just to serve as a convenient punching bag while other, shittier...
Fuck you broccoli
I’m not going to pretend here. You are adorable, the way you look like those trees in the Wizard of Oz or whatever movie that was, all bunchy at the top and squatty at the bottom. And the way you can turn into a bunch of little trees, too, like some Floret Fractal, and stand them up on mashed potato mountains (if you get the mashed potato consistency right, which is a whole other post). ...