Fuck You, Broccoli

month

May 2012

31 posts

Anonymous asked: Kohlrabi. As if it wasn't bad enough on its own, it has a tendency to attract even worse combinations of spices and suaces. But then again, what did you expect for a vegetable named after a Talliban stripper?

Sun-Dried Tomatoes: What a fucking waste

Dig it: Like many Americans, I enjoy a fine Jersey tomato from time to time. Without tomatoes there would be no pizza, no BLT’s, no marinara sauce. But I’m not here to talk about tomatoes. I’ll get to that another day. But WTF is up with taking a perfectly good vegetable fruit, and leaving it out in the sun to rot into a fetid bloody mass? And why in hell would someone look at...

Edamame - the snack for people who hate snacks

Okay, I know I’m probably going to catch a lot of flak for this one, but Edamame, I just don’t see the point. It’s like some marketing committee sat down and said, Hey, everybody loves peanuts, but they’re just too tasty and convenient. Why don’t we find a way to replicate the taste of peanuts, only let’s make them blander so the people who don’t like...

Bell peppers, nice enough, but ultimately hollow

Love-hate relationships are never healthy for people and other living things, and Mr. Bell Peppers, our relationship is the love-hateyist. Structurally, you are little crayola-colored cathedrals of vitamin C. But as cathedrals go, you fall short, your vaulted ceilings and flying buttresses only serving to support massive bulbous Chihuly chandeliers of crap. All your weight is concentrated in...

Anonymous asked: You haven't written about eggplant yet, even though it's so awful I think it's started a couple wars. Isn't that because you're in the pocket of big eggplant?

Anonymous asked: If you were the unabomber (I'm not saying that you are) (you're not, right?), anyway, if you were the unabomber, what vegetable would you be?

All I want is no more Peas on Earth

Sorry for the pun, peas, but it’s the only way to add any levity to the subject when I’m stuck dealing with you. You are the lumpy green ball bearings weighing down the vegetable kingdom. The misshapen malodorous mini-marbles playing in a game where the only losers are our taste buds. You are nothing but mucus tweezed from the nose of a syphilitic slug and boiled until you lack even...

Sparrowguts\... The worst Spears since Brit-brit

Asparagus, I don’t even want to look at you, you’re so fucking twee. Ooooh, your tips look like baby hyacinths and your stalks look like rose stems… let’s just stamp you on a tea towel with a grosgrain ribbon and some lavender and there you are, swanning all over the front cover of home design magazines, looking so carelessly, insouciantly provençal I could puke. I...

Anonymous asked: Sugar snap peas?

Anonymous asked: I'm sad you lumped spinach, kale and the other one together. As a pacific Northwesterner I would have taken on each of them in turn. And some varieties are worse than others. For example, lacinato ("dinosaur ear") kale is somewhat tolerable in a stir fry, but red Russian kale has no redeeming qualities whatsoever - bitter, tough, and ugly.

Bok Choy: A Haiku

When I was seven You did not even exist. Life was better then. Okay, I know that bok choy is actually from China and haiku is of the Japanese persuasion, so technically this is inappropriate or cultural imperialism or something, but it’s all good because fuck you, Bok Choy. You know why. 1/10. image via wikipedia

Anonymous asked: Leeks. I don't like your name, nor do I like having to wash the sand out of you for 20 minutes. You are yummy but too high maintenece. Get it together.

Anonymous asked: A Cauliflower is nothing but a Cabbage with a college education - Mark Twain

Anonymous asked: Fiddle head ferns- a Maine delicacy. They look like tiny dead snakes, smell like old broccoli, brussel sprouts and taste like grass. Grass that you picked from the neighbors yard, the one where the dog pees everywhere.

Parsnips - the root of all evil

Parsnips, I hope I have your attention: I know what you’re up to. The bastard stepchild of the unholy alliance between carrots and potatoes, you managed to get shafted with only the worst characteristics of both. Corpse-colored and tasteless, impossible to eat without cooking, impossible to cook without turning to mealy mush, impossible to eat without regret. At best you look like an...

Cucumbers: God\'s waxy green phallic exception

Every law has a loophole or two to make it livable, and when it comes to nature’s rule that All Green Vegetables Suck, I gotta respect how you cucumbers manfully thrust yourself vigorously through that loophole repeatedly and with satisfying friction. Oh cucumbers, what is it about you that makes you so universally tolerable? Maybe it’s just the cock thing. Maybe it’s how...

Anonymous asked: Ok if you had to eat one, which is better. Pinto beans or kidney beans?

Anonymous asked: To quote Ambrose Bierce in his wonderful work 'The Devils Dictionary': CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Zucchini - Dick of the Devil

Zucchini, I’ma let you finish, but cucumbers are the best phallic green vegetable in the produce aisle. Sorry, it’s true. The one thing you’ve got going for you, and you’re punked by the pickle guy. Which has you beat in another way too. Because you’re another one of those veggies who look like you’d taste okay raw, but then you don’t. And cooked,...

Anonymous asked: What the hell is up with lettuce? It's the most pretentious vegetable I've ever seen; always invading my tacos, burgers, and various otherwise awsome foods like it belongs there. No! Nobody likes you lettuce!