This shouldn’t even have to be said in this day and age, but bitter dark green leafy vegetables? Really? Other than iron, what have spinach, kale, and that third one I can’t remember ever given anyone? Okay, a couple of points to you, spinach, for being what Popeye loveskk. But otherwise? You’re all bitter, too chewy, and hard to digest, and it takes just one tiny leaf left behind on a tooth to turn the most suave sophisticate into a backwoods yokel. Most insane at all of all, you contain goitrogens, which suppress iodine, which your thyroid needs to not give you goiters. Goiters! I won’t link to a picture here, I’ll let folks wikipedia that one themselves. Beurk.
But the real reason to hate your evil menage a trois is how insidiously your unholy adherents try to insert you into our snack foods. “Ooh, try some lovely ‘chips’!” they’ll say, neglecting to mention that said chips are just dehydrated oiled and salted weeds. Or even worse, when you’re pulverized and sneaked into brownies (brownies!) as if to say that all us people with sweet tooths are morons who won’t notice when our delicious chocolatey goodness is suddenly defiled with soylent green. It’s like those candy commercials from the ’70s:
— Hey, you’ve got peanut butter in my chocolate!
— No, you got chocolate in my peanut butter!
Only instead of “peanut butter,” substitute the word “crap.” And instead of everyone laughing and patting each other on the back from discovering a new taste sensation, picture your absolute favorite child on earth, crying like the time they found out Santa’s workshop was actually the hallway closet. That’s the true hidden evil that you stand for, kale, spinach and the other one.
As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one thing more un-American than fucking with my carbs. And that’s adulterating my chocolate. There can be no forgiveness. 1/10.
Swiss chard! That’s the third one. Fuck you, Swiss chard.
image via free-extras.com