Fuck You, Broccoli

An in-depth exploration of vegetables and other so-called healthy foods.

Fuck off, radishes.

Yes, you. Every last fucking one of you. You taste like a late ‘70’s synthetic bicycle tire and smell like the color puce sounds. So of course, some marketing genius decided that if no one wanted to eat you for your own sake, why not disguise you as something people like?  Yeah, that’ll fool everyone.

So I know you think you’re cute and all, flailing around all akimbo and looking like little roses, but you know what looks even more like roses and doesn’t suck? Roses, that’s what. And you know what else looks like little roses but you can eat them that isn’t radishes?

FROSTING roses, motherfuckers. Made from a million percent sugar. Which makes even real roses smack their little heads and say, “why didn’t I think of that?”  Come back when someone carves you into something useful, like a DeLorean. One that can travel back in time to the first person who ever looked at a radish and thought, “This would make a Fine work of Art!” and slap the stupid right out of them.

So yeah. As a garnish, what the hell, I’ll give you 9/10. You’re right up there with ice sculptures. But as a food, both as a source of nourishment and as a tasty morsel, you’re also right up there with ice sculptures. 2/10.

Radishes image via Schoolphotoproject.com . Cut radishes image via Foodtravails . Frosting image via Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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All proceeds will be spent directly on fine, upstanding products such as Tastykakes and beer, and will in no way contribute to the Vegetable Industrial Complex (with the possible exception of Big Corn).