Fuck You, Broccoli

An in-depth exploration of vegetables and other so-called healthy foods.

Celery, a.k.a. Rabbit Floss

Celery, you are one polarizing bitch. You’re bitter, you’re stringy, you wilt under the slightest bit of heat, you get stuck in people’s teeth, and have an aftertaste that can crumble sheetrock. Plus you last juuuuust long enough in the fridge that people stock up on you planning to eat or cook with you later, then come up with a better idea Every Single Time until you end up a bag of liquefying green goo in the back of the veggie drawer. Then the next time we go to the store, we go and buy more celery. Seriously, half the people reading this right now are making nervous giggling noises because they know that somewhere in the back of their fridge is a bag filled with your eldritch unspeakable horror, decaying as we speak. A bag that says “Foxy” on it.

And yet, and yet… show me a crudité platter without you. Show me a delicious soup recipe you’re not in (shut up, gaspacho). Show me another vegetable that goes with peanut butter AND raisins, AND is called “ants on a log.” That’s just fucking genius.

You just try doing that with a rutabaga.

7/10. I hate ya, but I love ya.

Celery image via wikipedia /Popolon. Ants on a log via fiestafarms.ca

  1. earthflesh reblogged this from fuckyoubroccoli
  2. tia1106 reblogged this from fuckyoubroccoli and added:
    I was totally giggling and then I got to the line about the people reading this are giggling, then I just lost it.
  3. carolinerussock reblogged this from fuckyoubroccoli
  4. fuckyoubroccoli posted this

All proceeds will be spent directly on fine, upstanding products such as Tastykakes and beer, and will in no way contribute to the Vegetable Industrial Complex (with the possible exception of Big Corn).