Bergie, I’d like to take a moment aside, and talk about a little TV sitcom called “Coach.” It starred Craig T. Nelson as the head coach of the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles. Here’s a little taste of the opening credits, for you young ‘uns out there. Now I never saw “Coach.” I only know all this info from reading wikipedia. None of my friends ever watched it, either. No one ever talked about it at the ole proverbial water cooler. When I went looking for ostensibly rip-roarin clips on YouTube to share here, all I came up with was that opening theme. Which (let’s face it) - if that’s representative, no wonder it’s forgotten. And yet, every year, there it was in the prime time lineup, back when being there Meant Something. “Coach” ran for nine consecutive seasons on ABC, from 1989 through 1997, and never once cracked the top ten list of most-watched shows.
That’s a lot of years of meh.
Clearly, someone was enjoying it, or at least unable to look away.
Iceberg lettuce, you are the “Coach” of the veggie prime time lineup. No one is passionate about you. No one serious or intellectual will even acknowledge you exist. Foodies look at you the way floral designers look at carnations - too lowly to tolerate, even as kitsch. The official leaf of the truly petty bourgeois. And yet, you are quite possibly the best selling vegetable in U.S. history. You’re smooshed between “special sauce” and “cheese” in the Big Mac, you’re filling up space in everything from tacos to tuna casserole, you’re the first thing most people grab if they have to make salad throughout flyover country. And why? Because you’re so innocuous? Because you have the same flavor profile as Cincinnati air? Because you cost less than the bread so what the hell, add some green shit?
I don’t get it. You wilt under the slightest heat and turn brown the second someone cuts you with anything sharper than a fingernail. I don’t know what you’re doing in half the foods you’re in - you’re basically the green stuff people scoop out of everything before they take the second bite. So what’s the popularity? I am genuinely stymied here.
Then again, I never got “Coach,” either.
4/10. You’re hard to hate, when there’s so little there there. But impossible to like nonetheless.
p.s. also fuck you for the Titanic.
image via wikipedia
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