Fuck You, Broccoli

An in-depth exploration of vegetables and other so-called healthy foods.

Blah blah blah string beans blah

I am really, really trying to work up the motivation to write this post, but frankly, green beans, string beans, haricots verts, whatever the fuck you’re officially called, I’m a bit flummoxed. I don’t know what it is. I don’t like you. I think you taste rubbery and feel wormy, and vice versa. I don’t like the way you droop when you’re heated and I don’t like the way your dirty bits curl around on both ends when you’re raw. I don’t like the smug look you have all bundled in a package, and I don’t like the waxy greasy way you shine when you flop out of the Birds Eye bag. Honestly, when I start to think about vegetables I never liked, you’re pretty close to the ur-example. 

But I dunno, when it comes to hating you, I just don’t see the point. You’re so bland and wimpy. It feels like stepping on one of those little brown sparrowy-type birds you see in the city - hard to achieve, nowhere near as satisfying as kicking a pigeon, and it just makes me look like the bad guy.

See? I said too much, didn’t I?

Fuck you, green beans. Fuck all your stringy asses. And the almondines you rode in on.

3/10. Meh.

image via MattySC at en.wikipedia

  1. latenightsandfireflies reblogged this from thisday-undone
  2. thisday-undone reblogged this from fuckyoubroccoli and added:
    oh my god i love this blog
  3. fuckyoubroccoli posted this

All proceeds will be spent directly on fine, upstanding products such as Tastykakes and beer, and will in no way contribute to the Vegetable Industrial Complex (with the possible exception of Big Corn).