Now I’m already well on record about scheming, deceptive vegetables that hide by looking like something you’re not. But dammit, burdock, there are veggies that sort of resemble other yummier things, and then there’s you, who look thisclose to carrots and even have the same carrotty crunch, but hooooooolymotherofgodwhatthefuckdidIjusteat? Like those Bugs Bunny cartoons where Elmer Fudd would disguise a stick of dynamite to look like a carrot just waiting for wabbit season to be definitively over, only this time some poor sucker actually ate the damn thing. Me.
Here’s how to make your own burdock root: Take a carrot, coat it in lighter fluid, and ran it through the whole truck tire vulcanization process just to make sure no hint of good flavor remains, then paint it with orange makeup to cover your tracks. You’ll never know the difference (though the coroner might).
Seriously — you first crossed my tongue about 15 years ago, and I’m still using one of those scraper-thingies after flossing just to erase your memory. I don’t know how else people cook or serve or eat you, and I don’t care. But I sure as hell check my carrot labels before biting from that day on.
1/10. You’re a fucking asshole. I hope your children grow up to be compost.
image via horizonherbs.com