Fuck You, Broccoli

An in-depth exploration of vegetables and other so-called healthy foods.

Onions. This will only end in tears.

Truth be told, I’m mostly on board with onions. You make stews taste all stewy, you’re awesome caramelized on top of burgers or mashed potatoes, and when you’re battered and deep fried, it’s like God himself came down riding a rainbow-farting pegasus and started scattering gold doubloons and schnauzer puppies all over the populace. 100% pure win.

But like all good things, onions have a dark side.  Raw in a salad? There’s just no excuse. Yeah, I know people eat raw fish and raw beef and statistically very few of us die from it. But still, when I’m doing my duty and shoveling in some greenery, the last thing I need is a sharp fucking spike through the eye. Which is pretty much all you are, raw. A giant screaming sign reading “WAKE UP, STUPIDMOUTH! YOUR TONGUE IS TOO COMPLACENT! FEEL ALIVE NOW?!”  Which frankly, I really could do without.

Then there’s all the layers. There’s something deeply disturbing about your whorls - it’s like we’re eating skin or something. And what’s the deal with that weird bulby bit on the inside? Is that the best part, or the thing we throw away? (I alternate). And I’m not fond of the way your top layer under the papery part is half paper and half food, and I have to either peel away the good stuff or eat the bad. It’s wasteful and odd. And I’m kind of skeeved out at how you start sprouting green shit whenever I leave you in the bin too long, like you’re some sort of miracle plant that doesn’t need dirt or fertilizer or water or some guy in bib overalls to germinate, like normal vegetables do.  But those are quibbles, compared to the real issue: Why in holy living fuck do you fight back when we cut you? I mean, props for self-defense and all that, but you’re already dead, for fuck’s sake. There is no conceivable need for you to aim waves of acid into our eyes, forcing us to run blinded to the sink shouting curse words in front of our wide-eyed toddlers. There is NO need for these fuckers to have to exist:

Give in, onions. You’re so much lower on the food chain than us, we actually put you on other foods. You can’t win. So just put down your weapons and get in the Fryolator like nice little appetizers. 

Muuuuch better.

9/10. French onion soup is the shit.

image via wikipedia

  1. fuckyoubroccoli posted this

All proceeds will be spent directly on fine, upstanding products such as Tastykakes and beer, and will in no way contribute to the Vegetable Industrial Complex (with the possible exception of Big Corn).