Yeah, yeah, yeah, this one is probably going to upset some people, but fuck it. Avocados are gross. You smell weird, you taste like suet, and you have a negative texture oddly reminiscent of what you’d find behind a sewage facility in Oz. I don’t like your mushy, scabrous insides. I don’t like your lumpy, grotesque outsides. I don’t like the avocado-colored refrigerator-freezer-washer-dryers everyone pretended to be so thrilled about winning on The Price Is Right in my youth and I don’t like the way you’re stacked at the entrances of Whole Foods like some sort of freshness shibboleth when, let’s face it, you keep way longer than you’re good. I don’t like you clogging up all the fancy sushi rolls and I don’t like the brownishgreenishpooish-streaky way plates look after you’ve been eaten. And yes, I hate guacamole. It doesn’t even sound like a food. I’m pretty sure Pancho Villa died from a bad case of guacamole.
And frankly, the way people suspend your giant
ballsacs seeds on toothpicks in a little bowl on their kitchen windowsills gives me the shrieking fantods. Like I’m looking at mini versions of those pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers… AND NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT ME.
You, good sir, are not a fruit: You are not sweet, you do not work in fondue, and you have no Pop Tart. Q.E.D. You are nothing but a tree-vegetable (the lowest-hanging of all). I spit on your grove.
2/10. You’re rich in potassium. Or so I’m told.
image via SchoolPhotoProject.com