Fuck You, Broccoli

Water Chestnuts - Edible boredom

There are some adjectives I find myself throwing out here a lot, when it comes to the vegetables I don’t like, but also don’t find completely inedible.  Benign. Inoffensive. Lackluster. Tasteless. Bland. To name a few.

Mix all those descriptives together, then add lackluster and bland, pointless and stale, and ta-dah! We’ve got ourselves a water chestnut. You look like so many yummy things that taste-wise, leave you in the dust. Scallops. Gnocchi. Meringues. Chewable Vitamin C’s. Wet little globules of crispy spit that look like mush but require actual chewing, you are the kidney stones of the produce section:  Remarkably painful for something so small and natural, not passed easily, and too big to ignore. Sliced, you look like chicken, then bring the world to a screaming halt when you manage to be one of the only nonflavored things on the planet that - even when surrounded by actual chicken - doesn’t taste like chicken. You’re also the only food I can think of that looks, tastes, and feels identical cooked as raw. How is that even possible?

Are you even a real vegetable, or did someone just invent you in some lab back in the early 80’s while trying to discover new ways to make those gummi bracelets and shoes everyone was wearing, send you off to the cannery and we’ve fallen for it ever since?  I’ve never seen you except in a can. Are there amber waves of water chestnuts growing in some paddy or billabong or fjord that I’m just unaware of? Who grows you? And why?

3/10 since you don’t taste nasty, only bleah. I’ve already wasted way too many words on something so barely there.

image via onlyfoods.net

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   Oh my goodness hahahahahaha.

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